...and you can quote me

In Case of Nuclear Threat, Build a Bomb Shelter and Teach Cockroaches to Worship You
Retirement: Sudden Death Overtime in the Game of Life
If History Repeats itself, Reinvent the Wheel
Seize Today, for it was the Tomorrow of Yesterday!
The Future Will Always be Within Your Grasp... Tomorrow
The Past is passed when we race towards the future.
Never Build a Time Machine out of a Yugo

Histories Mis-Stories

The Future was so 2001
Spending Two Weeks in a Castle Feels Like a Fortnight
Newton's 2nd Law of Gravity: Don't Sit Under Bowling ball Trees
"It's All Greek to Me" --- Plato
The Knights of Camelot Caused the Daze of Fair Maidens.
Cavemen Always Scored When They Went Out Clubbin'
Only Send Chainmail to Dragon Slayers

Animal Crack urrs

Gullable: The ability to be crapped on by an aquatic bird, twice
Dogmatic: Not a Robot Pet
If Wishes were Horses, They'd Ride Shooting Stars Through Genie Lamps.
Strong as an Ox (and Twice as Smart)
It's not getting your ducks in a row but keeping them there that's the real trick
Swimming with dolphins gives ones life Porpoise
Even Darwin can't explain a Platypus
If you grab the Tiger by the Horns, you should rethink your adage
Filling a Barrel With Monkeys is Just Cruel
Scholarly Swine Speak Pig Latin
In This Dog Eat Dog World, I'm a Cannibal
Bears are Adorable, until they eat you.
Dogs Don't Like Fetch, They Hate Littering.
(A) Pride (of Lions) Comes Before a Fall (of a Gazelle)
Dinosaurs Died For Our Greed
On Second Thought, A Hippopotamus May Not Be a Good Christmas Gift.
9/10 times cats land on their feet, also, cats have 9 lives.

Random Observation

I'm a Struggling Celebrity Languishing in Obscurity
Worn out welcomes require mending.
Tractor Beams are not as dangerous as they sound.
Second Hand Smoke Kills, But Not As Fast as First Hand Fire.
Noise Pollution, Not Silent, Not Deadly, Just Annoying
Eye Patch, Peg Leg, Hook; You're Not a Pirate, Just Clumsy!
Belly-Buttons: nature's lint trap
Carmen Sandiego was Waldo in Disguise
Lullabies About Babies Falling Out of Trees Gives Kids Nightmares.
Stepping on Cracks has no Bearing on Your Mother's Back Health
Spring must be the bounciest time of year
It's Not Global Warming, it's Just Mother Nature's Hot Flashes
In a Vacuum no one can hear a Dust Bunny's cry.
Light bulbs are always getting screwed
If I'm the Bread Winner, This is a Lousy Contest
Christmas Trees: An Angel's Evergreen Enema

Drink your Words and Eat Your Letters

All I Ever Hear Through the Grapevine is Whine
If life was a cake walk, I'd lick with my feet
Everything is Less Threatening in Gummy Form
I Love Apples in all of Their Forbidden Fruitiness
Bacon, the Chocolate of Appetizers
Celery, Salary; either way you chew it, it's not worth the effort
Before Popeye, Olive Oil was Extra Virgin
Carrots, Broccoli and Soy Beans Agree; Vegetarians Suck!
Ear Wax Tastes Terrible, Don't Eat it.
Enjoy Rare Meat, Endangered Just Tastes Wrong
Coffee is The Only Known Cure for Zombieism.
I Could Eat Bacon 'Til The Cows Come Home (Then I'll Eat Steak)
I feel like a hotdog at a sausage party
Candy Stolen from Babies Taste like Guilt
If vegetables had feelings hippies would starve
I Have a Chip on My Shoulder (and Salsa on my Sleeve)
Life: How much frickin' lemonade do you want me to make?
In This World of Wanton Violence, I'm Afraid to Eat Chinese Food
Mushrooms: The Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner of Champignons
Insult: Injury's Favourite Seasoning.
Smart Cookies Don't Get Eaten
In a lollipop factory a sucker's born every minute
Pants May Contain Traces of Nuts
Sommeliers Never Brown Bag it
Turkey's Glad Hungary's not Closer
Slave to The Waffle Light
You Don't Need a Costume to get Candy, Just a Trusting Personality
Swearing Taught Me That Soap Tastes F%#king Terrible
War Pie, This Peace is for You!

Games and Stuff

In The Game of Life, Always Choose the Blue Car
In My Previous Life I played on a Harder Level.
Tetris: The Building Blocks of Any Gaming Addiction
Life is Hard, Choose the Easy Level.
Some Worship a Carpenter, I Devoted My Life to a Plumber

Ponderously Ponderous Ponderances

If a Man's Home is His Castle, You'd Think He'd Have a Nicer Throne!
If We Live in This World With Children, Why is Their Version so Magical?
What Does an Ant Call it's Mother's Sister?
How Do You Not Cut the Mustard?
Isn't Going Viral a Bad Thing?
America had Four Fathers?
What if Pastafarianism is the one true religion?
How Would One Ever Get an Infinite Number of Monkeys to Type?

Fashion to the Letter

Too Many Irons in the Fire Results in Wrinkled Clothing
You May Put Your Pants on One Leg at a Time, But I Jump in With Both Feet.
If You Reap What You Sew, Make a Sweater
I went to a Nudist Colony, Ironically I got a T-Shirt
With Raised Arms T-Shirts become Y-Shirts
A Paradox need some Irony.
Faux Fur is Not Murder
I'd give you the shirt off my back. (But not this one it's new)

Too Perfect to be Modest

I'm Good, if I was any better I wouldn't need the Extra "o".
I Was Smokin' Hot 'Til I Got Doused With Reality
I'm so hot my mother calls me sun
My Perfection is Tainted by an Enormous Ego
I'm Attractive, I Smell Good and Gosh Darn it People Like Me!
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful, Hate me Because I'm Modest
Not Just Another Beut... Buet... Pretty Face.
Often Imitated, Never Cloned

From My Forehead Banner

Subliminal mEssaging worX
My Car Runs on Recycled Dinosaurs
The Paper Shredder Ate my Homework
If I Was Any Happier I'd Be On Lithium
I'm not lost but I am trying to find myself
I'm Not Needy, I'm Wanty
Space is not Mine to Give
Luckily I was born on a Pirate Ship without a speech impediment
I Quit Smoking Cold Turkey, Now I Smoke Salmon.
I Snort When I Evil Laugh
I'm Not Losing My Marbles, They're Marking My Trail From Sanity
Crickets Stole My Laugh Track

Literarily

When Life Throws You Red Herrings Make Red Herringaide
Sometimes I Just Make Shit Up.
Words Are My Art
Once upon a time; long, long ago; far, far away; stuff happened
Careful using big antidisestablishmentarianism words.
An Appendix is not Useless, it's Where to Keep Extra Information
My Grasp of Metaphors is Tenuous at Best
Due to Improvements in Education the 3Rs are now RWA
I'm a Poet With a Bad Rap
a picture is not worth a 1000 word essay, it's worth an "F"
English Teachers Should Believe Pictures are Worth 1000 Words
Dictionaries Define Me
If It's Written in the Stars, They Forgot to Connect the Dots.
Life Gives Poets Oranges
I Love Double Entendrés (if you know what I mean)
Abridged, to make a long story short
If you've grabbed a bull by the tail, rethink your adage!
Be Succinct, but only to a Point
It was a dark and stormy night but still no cliches happened.
I don't mince words, I blend'em
I can translate gibberish into over 1000 different languages

Nerds Say What

Social Networking: Getting to Know Important People in Their Underwear
I'm Not a Geek I'm a Nerd, Geeks Bite Heads off Live Chickens.
Everything You Wear Used to be String Theory
My Secret Identity is Protected by Copyright Laws
All is possible in the infinite universe, except...
Sometimes I pretend I'm a super-nerd
Going Viral has Become an Epidemic
Don't Mess With Me, I'm in a Virtual Gang (We Call it a Guild)
Physics: 1+1=2 Math: 1+1=2 Chemistry: 1+1=2 Biology: 1+1=3
I Can't Reveal My True Identity Due to Copyright Laws
Pocket Protectors Save You From Ink Stains but Not Wedgies
Nerd today, Kazillionaire tomorrow
My Favourite Greek Dessert is Pi
Taking Your Car into Battle Will Not Improve It's HP
My Train of Thought is a Super Sonic Monorail Driven by Robots
Uranus: The Butt of Cosmic Jokes
Silly Math Guys, Pies R Round.
I only use my superpowers to amuse myself
It's not Hindsight, it's Called Post-Cognitive Powers.
Squares Don't Get No Pi
Astrophysics Makes the World Go Round
My Post-Cognitive Powers Told Me That Happened
Your Wedgies Are No Match For My Robot Army!
Sex Math: 1+1=3, 6+9=0
With Bubble Gum, and a Plasma Torch, I can Break out of anywhere!
KLEPTO-MANIAC: The Man of Steal

Sports Analogies are Like RBIs….

Golf is Nature's Revenge
I Wish Surfing was as easy as it seems on the internet.
I'd Run With the Bulls, But I'm A-gore-aphobic

Life, Death and.. Uhm.. Keep ya posted

Is There A Saint Impatience?
I'm Not Looting, I'm Preparing For The Apocolypse
Go Ahead,d Pray to Your Atheist Gods!
In the Human Race I want to Finish Last
Who Do You Think God Thanks?
And on the Eighth Day God hit the Snooze Button… Twice.
The Only Thing Standing Between You and Immortality is Death.
The Angel on my Shoulder Only Speaks Latin
Cure Death and Live Forever

Polly Tickle

Apathetical Ambivalence is an Excuse!
You Can Find Change in the Unlikeliest of Places, Like Your Couch
Absolute Dictator of the Republic of Me
Mimes Don't Believe in Free Speech
Disgruntled Pacifist Rebelling Against Anarchy
Simon was a Dictator
My Country Went to War and All They Brought Back was this Debt

Missed Quotes

Never Look a Gift Lion in the Mouth
If You Can't Stand the Heat, Go to Hell!
If at 1,261st you don't succeed, it's too late to give up
I'm a Man Of My Word (My Word is Deception)
Laziness was the Father of all Invention.

Musical Wordimanets

Pothead Opera Singers Always End on a High Note
I don't take notes, I make them
I Know All The Words in Every Song, Just Not in Order
I'm not the stereotype, I'm more of a walkman.
Video Games Killed the Karaoke Star
Everyone Dances to a Different Beat, Mine's Irregular and Clumsy
Rock Out to the Guitar Solos in Your Head
Nothing sounds as forlorn as a bagpipe with a hole in it.
No one plays the blues with a kazoo

Monsterously Wise

If change is afoot, be a shoe not an ass
It's T minus 36 until the Zombie Apocolypse, ('T' is unknown)
Never Breastfeed a Zombie Baby
Vampires: Giant immortal Humanoid Mosquitoes With Personality
Ghosts: Nothing but Naked Zombies
Mosquitoes, Not as Cool as Vampires
All the Aliens I Know Are Really Down to Earth
Zombies Start Their Day Just Like You, With a Cup of Joe
I'm only scared of campy 1950s monsters
I'm going to be a Zombie, I just have to Flesh out the details
I have my finger on the pulse of the Zombie Nation
Zombie Popularity is Inversely Proportionate to Zombie Attacks
You can't build an army of Zombie Cannibals

Words of Wizdumb

An apple may not fall far from the tree, but will not prosper within it's shadow
Following Your Followers Will Keep You Running In Circles
Original Thoughts, Seperating the Creatives from the Successful
There is NO Mrs. Right
Don't Try to Get High on Life, You'll Never Keep it Lit
The Fine Line Between Truth and Fiction is Stretchy
Rearranging Words One Necessarily Make Smart Sound Not.
Never Share Your Complex Diabolical Scheme for World Domination
When lacking in action one must compensate with wit
Do Not Suggest that "You Are the Bomb" in an airport
When the Wing Falls Off, You'll Understand the Gravity of the Situation
There's No Cents in Growing a Money Tree
Be Wary of Brain Farts when Suffering From Verbal diarrhea
Never Sleep Like a Baby, They Cry All Night and Poop Their Pants
Never Trust a Dead Civilization to Predict your Demise
Someday Your Snooze Button is Going to Hit You Back.
Don't Skip to the Loo, You May Have an Accident
Never ask a Magician to make you a sandwich.
Spit in the Face of Adversity, Then Run Like Hell!
ATTENTION PILOTS: Mountain Goats Don't Fly
Fishing For Compliments is Greatly Enhanced by The Right Bait
Nothing Will Hold Together with Only a String of Obscenities
Name Wisely! -Ivan Toppee

Motivate Meh

An EMO's World Would be a lot Happier With a Little ''L'' in it.
Celebrate Irrelevance
My State of Mind is in the Midst of a Revolution
I Want to Join the Optimist Club, But I Doubt They'll Have me.
I'm Not Just Running on Empty, I'm on Reserve!
I'm only a crastinator, I'll go pro tomorrow
Emos Take the "A" out of Apathetic
Lies were what I did yesterday, dreams are what I'll do tomorrow
I'm not loitering, I'm pretending to be a pylon
Don't Lecture me About Smoking, Check to See if I'm on Fire.
Procrastinate: Always on the Top of my Chore List
When Trying to Find One's self, A Mirror is the Best Place to Start
Get out and walk. Life's too short to be stuck in traffic.
Dangerously Decaffeinated
I'm Running On Empty, Good Thing I Have Coffee in Reserve
Conform to Anarchy!
Yesterday I was Happy, Today Grumpy, Tomorrow I'll be Snow White
I Will Always Excel for Stickers
Nothing Fills a Void Quite like Emptiness
Somewhere Between Bugger All and Nothing Lay My Accomplishments
I'd do it but I don't want to get elbow grease on my shirt.
Only my car has ABS
I had a perfect six-pack, then I got Thirsty.
Brighten Up! The light at the end of the tunnel is solar powered.

Previous Mind Flatulence

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D. Ryan Leask

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